M. Night Shymalamadingdong

I can’t believe this is happening to me.  Yes, I just spent 90 minutes of my life watching Shymalan’s newest debacle The Happening and I can’t believe I made it through without killing myself like the vast majority of the people in the film.  I do have to say at least he went away from “classic” Shymalan’s twist stuff and even Wahlberg couldn’t save this one.  The dialogue was very weak which made all of the delivery of those lines just awful.  Wahlberg seemed like some sort of passive doucher thru the entire film.

The whole time I kept waiting for Al Gore to step out

Several scenes had the characters running from…wait for it…wait for it…the wind.  Yes the wind.  Sweet merciful crap I wish I was joking.  Didn’t we already get enough of running from the invisible wind in the summer disaster garbage film from 2004 The Day After Tomorrow?  The whole time I kept waiting for Al Gore to step out and tell us to go watch his documentary An Inconvenient Truth.  Why do I find myself continuing to watch his films?  Better yet, why does he keep getting money to make them?  Sitting thru this and has inspired me to rank the Ding-Dong’s films in order from best to worst for you so just in case you haven’t seen them all then this may help you prioritize.  So without further ado ladies and gentlemen of the innernets, I proudly present to you:

The Corndogger’s Guide to M. Night Shymalan Movies

(ranked in awesomeness order)

1. The Sixth Sense - Ok, this film gets 6 stars of awesomeness on a 5 star scale.  It should be no surprise to any of you that this film gets the top Corndogger award.  If you haven’t seen this film yet, what is wrong with you?  Srsly…what?  This put the phrase “I see dead people” on the map and into common use.  The scene with the chick in the tent…good God-a-mighty that scared the batter right off the hot dog for me and I would go out on a limb to say it probably ranks up there in the top 10 freakiest moments in film.  If you didn’t know about the twist at the end in advance before you saw the film then you were able to experience an incredible moment of realization during a film almost without equal.  If someone told you in advance before you saw the film you should go find them…then slap the shit out of em. 
2. Unbreakable – Deciding whether to place this one 2nd or 3rd was a little tough, but at the end of the day the Corndogger’s love of comic books and Samuel “tired of these mutha fuckin snakes on this mutha fuckin plane” Jackson helped clinch 2nd place for Unbreakable.  Interesting concept between the two complete opposite beings in the universe.  Would have liked to have seen Bruce go on more of a rampage taking down miscellaneous villains, but all in all this one is worth the watch without disappointment.
3. Signs – The Nighter didn’t go with a twist…which the Corndogger approves of…but he did screw it up anyway.  This film was fantastic for about 100 minutes.  The suspense of never actually seeing the aliens except for an occasional hand or caught on news footage was amazing and added to the believable nature of this actually happening.  Then right there in the bottom of the 9th with 2 outs and the bases loaded, Shymalan swings at a curve ball in the dirt for strike three to lose it for the home team.  When that alien showed up on the tv screen my heart skipped a beat in suspense…only to have the camera pan around and actually show him standing there in the living room right in plain day looking like some halfass giant frog with special effects that look worse than what you get on original programming for the scifi channel.  Why why why why did you have to ruin this brilliant film by showing the overgrown Kermit the frog?  That sequence would have been better shot with the fight taking place off direct scene and the camera being actually involved in the action by being tossed around to where you never get a clean look at the alien.  Still worth the watch…but be prepared to laugh at the end at the utter and most epic fail that takes place. 
4. Lady in the Water – I’ll probably get shredded for this one, but I don’t think it was all that bad.  It was designed to be unrealistic so those looking for realism…stop.  It is very dark fairy tale-ish in nature and conceptually was very interesting.  All of the residents and actions piece together like an elaborate puzzle.  The Corndogger has to give props for Giamatti who always seems to make a film just a little better by being in it.  If you really want to see Giamatti at his absolute best then you need to check out a very unique biographical film on Harvey Pekar called American Splendor.  Don’t listen to the mixed reviews and check it out for yourself.  This one you will like or not like.  I really do think it is purely an individual thing.
5. The Village – About the best thing I can say about this one is the excellent use of colors and lighting to establish mood.  Even the all star cast couldn’t save this egg from falling off the wall.  He goes back to the twist concept…this time throws a couple at ya…and both come up short on the shock and awe factor.  What the monsters are is pretty obvious and predictable and for a second you end up getting sucked back into the believable factor, but only for a second.  The final twist, if you can call it that, is pretty implausible.  Another bright spot here is a glimpse of the Corndogger’s favorite vehicle, a Land Rover Defender.  Serious awesomeness.  I guess with that hint I gave part of the twist away…shouldn’t make too much of a difference though as it is pretty obvious the whole film anyway. 
6. The Happening - this brings us back full circle to where this post all started.  Unless you just have to see all his films just to see em…don’t bother.  Even the ladies out there that want to watch for some Mark Wahlberg action should stay away.
7. Wide Awake – Just so I dont get bitched at for leaving one out…here ya go.  This was the garbage he made before Sixth Sense.  In reality, Shymalan’s career started and stopped with Sixth Sense.  This film also stars Rosie O’Donnell which completely solidifies that Wide Awake will always stay at the bottom of the Corndogger’s Shymalan film list no matter how bad of a film whatever he spits out from here on out turns out to be…well…unless he makes a Wide Awake 2.  If that happens, I truly believe the world will simultaneously implode on itself on the morning of the straight to dvd release date. 

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